A Crappy Story
by A Rogue Slayer
Summary: This sucks. On purpose. Feel free to use this as a guideline on how NOT to write Buffy fic! This is my slight parodyjoshing at some fictions I've read. No offense intended, just pointing out some things that irk me or tickle me.


Ok, standard disclaimer: I own nothing. I just mock for free Other disclaimer: This is supposed to be silly folks. Just some annoying and over-used things I've noticed in fics that I felt compelled to comment on. I'm sure some of you won't agree with my assessments, which is fine. Please let me know, I'm open to it all.  
  
Just so you know, I'm a Spuffy who loves Angel and don't understand the Angel bashing by Spuffies(even though more rampant is the Spike bashing by Bangels). And the bit with the eyes. Really people, hazel means brown. I know, as Spike would say, "You're like a dog with a bone." And if it were his bone, I wouldn't drop it. But since it's not, I probably will. Also, I've included some silly AU titles and summaries that came to mind, because I've read some...interesting ones. I'm not a big fan of AU, so that's where it comes from. In my mind, if Spike's not a vamp and Buffy's not a Slayer, then they're not Spike and Buffy!! That in mind, I should plug the one AU fic I am kind of enjoying: Nautibitz Crash and Burn. But, as her name suggests, it's Nauti, so beware! ( And another disclaimer: In doing this, I am not implying I am a wonderful writer. I just happen to know I'm not the worst out there. This is also not to discourage anyone, but just to encourage proofreading(yes, my spelling and tense errors are intentional) and actually WATCHING THE SHOW before you write! Spell-check and dictionaries are your friend!  
  
**  
  
Spike the vampyre looked down into Buffy's eyes. "Cor, ducks, you have the most beautiful hazel eyes."  
  
Buffy slapped him in the face. "Pet, what was that for?"  
  
"You stupid undead sexy guy with the piercing blue eyes, you're looking right at me and you don't know what color my eyes are?! I don't have hazel eyes."  
  
"Um.....do I?"  
  
"You know, for an English guy, you sure don't know how the language works, do you? Hazel means brown! Not green and not blue! Look it up!!" Buffy stormed away.  
  
Spike ran after her and grabbed her arm. "Oh, Elizabeth, I'm sorry. I didn't know....." Buffy slapped him again. "What now??"  
  
"Now you can't even remember my name? Who is Elizabeth? Some skanky ho you got it on with recently?"  
  
"Um.....I thought Buffy was short for Elizabeth."  
  
"What on freakin' EARTH would make you think that??? I mean, if my name were Elizabeth, it could go for Beth or Liz or Liza or Eliza, or even Eli for Pete's sake. The name is Buffy. Got it? Buffy Summers with GREEN eyes." Buffy rolled her angry green eyes and started to walk away again.  
  
Just then, Angel stormed up and punched Spike in the face. He then put a possessive arm around Buffy. "What are you doing with her? You better get out of Sunnydale, boy."  
  
"Hey, sod off Peaches! She's not yours anymore!"  
  
Angle growled. "She'll never be yours. She wouldn't stoop so low. You're evil and you have no soul, that's how I know she wouldn't ever want you. And I know your evil because you're my childe."  
  
Spike bristled. "Your childe? What the hell is that? Anyway, who wants a soul if it turns ya into a big poofter like you!"  
  
"Would you two stop arguing? You're making my Slayer sense go crazy!" Buffy yelled frustrated.  
  
Angel cocked an eyebrow. "Slayer sense?"  
  
"Yeah, you know. The sense that I have that lets me tell when vampires are around. And you two, being my lovers too, are making it go off the chart."  
  
"That 'slayer sense'...that something new?" Angel asked.  
  
Buffy jutted out her chin. "No, I've had it ever since I was chosen, thank you very much!"  
  
"Hmmm...so...that first year after I met you...you weren't actually surprised to find out I was a vampire, because you're 'slayer sense' had already informed you the first moment I was in you're presence, right?" Angel smirked.  
  
"Um...right. I was on to you the whole time. I just pretended I was surprised to, uh...make you feel all manly...that's right...um..." Buffy faltered.  
  
Just then, Xander and Willow showed up, with Giles in tow. "Well, if it isn't my two least favorite dead guys. Should I call you Dead Boy 1 and Dead Boy 2?"  
  
Angle walked over to Xander and pushed a finger hard in his chest. "If you're not careful, Spike and I will take you behind Buffy's house and show you what 'slash' means."  
  
Buffy pulled Angel off of Zander. "What are you doing here? How come you just showed up out of the blue, and now you're all neanderthal. That's not like  
  
you."  
  
Angel scritched his head. "No, it's really not. I'm usually such a nice guy....."  
  
Spike puffed his chest out. "Yeah, you're just a poof and *I'm* the Big Bad."  
  
Buffy scowled. "You haven't been Big *or* Bad since you first got here, William."  
  
"Hey! How come you're callin' me William?"  
  
"Um.....I think I'm trying to appeal to the humanity in you.....maybe.....don't really know, it just struck me."  
  
"It's ok, cor, you can call me whatever you want, Buffy-luv."  
  
"Oh, my darling dear Spike, I do love you so much."  
  
Angel frowned. "I think I'm gonna be sick. What is UP with you two? Neither of you talk like this! Buffy, you're practically a freakin' Valley girl. And Spike, you've been a cockney/punk wannabe for the past 100 years."  
  
"Oh Goddess! I'm gay!" Willow chimed in cheerily.  
  
Giles cleaned his glasses and muttered, "Dear lord..."  
  
Buffy sniffed. "You guys aren't paying enough attention to ME! You're all were supposed to be desperately in love with me. Even Giles and Will. Cuz with Giles people likes the idea of a stern headmaster and his students who needs punished, and with Will it's the obvious lesbian stuff."  
  
Spike rushed to her side, "Oh ducks....."  
  
Angel grabbed Spike and shoved him away. "You don't touch her. And why are you calling her your pet name for Drusilla? You think she'd be flattered that you compare her to a nut?"  
  
"Hey! A nut that YOU made! I mean, she's not a nut. She was.....special."  
  
Buffy snorted. "So special that she left you for a Fungis Demon and a Kaos Demon......blech."  
  
Spike shook his head. "Funny that, with m' washboard abs, soul-piercing blue eyes, sexy smirk, and accent that can make a women weak in the knees.....you'd think she's count herself lucky."  
  
"Yeah, and with my dark charm, rich brown eyes, and very cuddly upper body,  
  
not sure why I'm having such a problem with the ladies, myself," Angel commiserated.  
  
"Might have somethin' to do with yer curse, mate. You're a fine lookin' bloke. 'Course, I may or may not know how good a lover you are, as we may or may not have gotten it on back in the old days....."  
  
Angel nodded. "Yeah."  
  
"Hey! What about me? I'm the Slayer! I have stylish, yet affordable boots and a wicked cool vocabulary. How come I can't find love?"  
  
Angel and Spike looked at each other. "Uh, good question, that....." Spike surmised.  
  
Angel agreed, "Yeah, don't know why you can't find true love....." He rolled his eyes.  
  
Buffy turned red with anger. "You total jerks! You don't know a good thing if it staked you in the heart, which I might do soon. Angel, you're a jerk who was my first love, but wasn't anymore. And Spike, you're a jerk who I love with my whole life, and I say that even though I have no real foundation for that statement."  
  
Xander shouted, "Hey! I love you too, Buffy. I loved you way before them and that's probably why I'm such an ass most of the time, because they got you before I did!"  
  
Willow chimed in, "And I love you too, cuz I'm like, all gay-y and stuff!"  
  
Giles shook his head and wiped his glasses again. "This is a highly unorthodox situation that this assemblage has found itself in. Perhaps it would be prudent if we resigned ourselves to our providence of collective sexual gratification.  
  
Just then, Anya showed up. "Did someone say something about sex? Are we all getting orgasms? Am I getting any money along with it? Even though that would make me a prostitute...but I'm not really sure why I'm opposed to that, since I love money and orgasms. Oh penis!"  
  
And they all went in the house and had lots of sex. The End.  
  
**  
  
Stay tuned for these titles yet to come from A. Writer:  
  
"Summer Lovin'" AU: Buffy Olsson is a transfer student from Australia who desperately wants to fit in at Rydell High. William "Spike" Zuko is a T-Bird greaser who find it hard to keep his tough image while he's falling in love. What happens when these two meet? Love in a T-bird, of course!  
  
"Love and War" AU: Buffy O'Hara is a fiery southern belle. William "Spike" Butler is a Confederate blockade runner and general scoundrel. What happens when these two clash? Genteel love, of course!  
  
"Her Royal Highness" AU: Elizabeth Summers is the Queen of England. What happens when she falls in love with her servant, William? Angsty love, of course!  
  
"Gypsy Love" AU: William Heathcliff was a gypsy foundling. What happens when Buffy Earnshaw's father takes him in to raise? Love on the moors at Wuthering Heights, of course!  
  
"High Seas" AU: Captain William the Bloody is the most feared pirate on the seven seas. What happens when he takes a noblewoman, Elizabeth, Duchess of Buff, captive? Sex and love on a boat, of course!  
  
"Sleepless in Sunnydale" AU: William is a lonely widower with a young son. Buffy is an engaged woman who is searching for more. What happens when these two strike up a writing relationship? Much fluff, of course!  
  
"School Days" AU: Buffy is the head cheerleader in high school. Her boyfriend Angel is the school quarterback. What happens when William "Spike" Giles, an exchange student from England, sweeps her off her feet? Much juvenile romance, of course!  
  
"Fallen" AU: Father William is a lonely priest. Buffy is a disconcerted housewife. What happens when she comes to give her confession? Steamy confessional sex, of course!  
  
"Private Eyes" AU: William "Spike" Marlowe is a private investigator. What happens when a mystery woman, Elizabeth "Buffy" Summers, comes to request his services? Much secretive sex, of course!  
  
**  
  
Ok, R&R and tell me how horrible I am for poking fun. I can take it. I've got a thicker skin than SOME writers I've seen. BTW, I challenge you all to try and write badly. It's not as easy as you'd think. And...go ahead. Crack that dictionary and look up hazel. It's there, I promise. Ok, here's me dropping the bone...oops, that was Spike's...gotta go fetch that again..  
  
PS I'm really not a nasty person. Honest... 


End file.
